I don’t know how many of you recognize inside their own parents. Maybe my story is more clear being raised bu just one parent and like this I see very clear the image of my mother inside myself. My mother raised me in a period when it was not easy to be a single mother. There were not so many single parents and people were not discussing so much about how to be a single, independent and happy parent. In the end, doesn’t matter what exactly made my mother to be scarred of life, of living her own life. What made her to lack the trust in herself and to see the others as evil and dangerous. To don’t try anything outside her walls of security. When I was little I don’t think I noticed this aspect of my mother. On the other side, my mother tried to make me a powerful and ambitious adult. Only that instead becoming a powerful and ambitious adult I only succeeded in creating the mask of a powerful and ambitious adult. On my back, I carried the same burden of being helpless, incompetent, of victim and fear the others are better, that they can succeed and I can’t. I think this is a pretty good example of how we can take from our parents pieces of their way of being. And it’s absolutely logic and normal, as we cannot CHOOSE at that age how we want to be. We only absorb everything we see and smell around us.
I don’t want yet to have children, but I find fascinating this subject, about what we can do for our children and how we kept deep inside us the fears and insecurities of our parents. Even if they were more or less aware of those fears. Even if those parents tried more or less to don’t show us those fears. Even if they tried more or less to teach us the opposite of those fears.
We would think that if we are taking care home of what we speak home, and what mask we wear in front of our children, he will learn all our positive actions and will know to disregard the ones are wrong for him. But it doesn’t work like this. The children have a remarkable capacity of feeling. They don’t judge and analyze with their minds ur actions and discussions, they feel. Are like little sponges of feelings and emotions and they don;t know the word good or bad. They don’t know when they are little that lack of confidence is wrong or good, that not loving yourself is wrong or good, that the need of control is wrong or good. Later they learn that we give to any action and feeling a label of good or wrong. And like this they start to cancel parts of themselves, pieces they loved and accepted as natural. So later on, to learn these parts are “bad”, to hide them and forget.
Don’t imagine my mother was talking with me about the lack of confidence. I don;t even know if the was aware of this. But her lack of trust was there. Her “I cannot” was living in her actions, even if she was not yelling she can’t. I remember when I was little she was often telling me what a string mother she is raising me alone. But you can raise a baby alone, you can pass a hard life and in the same time to look at yourself with sadness and regret. Overcoming a difficult life makes us stronger only if we want to discover the power in us we all have.
We talk a lot about our parents mistakes and for sure they exists. Are not to blame as they did the best they could. But how many of us we don’t walk in the same shoes of our parents, making the same mistakes, only with different shape. I remember that couple of years ago I was having very well in my mind established the future of my baby. I was decided to don’t be a single mother (like my mother), to offer to my baby a good life (materialistic talking), to send him since little to different activities meant to develop him personally or his body (so he can have a nice body, not like myself). But this is not what my mother did? She was trying to push me to have the things she didn’t have. She was not having money so she taught me to try to have money in my life. Nothing bad, after all. Only these parent’s good teachings are not coming for free. Are coming with living with pressure, with the feeling you are not good enough, that the others are better (how many times the parents are not asking you when you come from school how are doing the others, what grades they took at school in comparison with you). Not the result is the problem, but the way we got to that result. Children measure their own value by how they perceive others value them. And in our measuring-and-testing society, children’s skills, and therefore their value, are measured relative to others.
And I realize I can do more for my baby. I realize I don’t have to be the opposite of my mother, or the perfect copy of her, but the fact I can take something from all experiences and let my child to receive what he wants, not what I want him to receive. I realize I don’t have to build a perfect baby with perfect conditions for a perfect life. We think the children are like empty canvas on which we can paint what we want. The canvas may be more or less empty, but for sure we cannot decide what to paint. They will choose. Our children. And besides the list of wishes and opinions how to raise your child, remember YOU are your child. Not just from a biological point of view, not only by the look, but also in a spiritual way.
The only way our children can trust themselves is us to trust ourselves.
The only way our children will love and love themselves is us to love ourselves and the ones close to us.
The only way our children will know happiness is us to be happy.
There are a lot of debates about how to raise our children. Discussions about what is healthy food for children, how careful to be to the food you give to the baby and on the other side the risk to become too stress with this topic. Discussions if we should raise veggie children or not. Discussions if it’s ok for the child to sleep with their parents in the first year or not. Discussions about breastfeeding, for how many months is ok to do this? Discussions about giving birth home or in a hospital. Discussions about what methods are to develop the creativity of our children. What vitamins he needs and what not. If he should go to a private school or even to learn home from parents. A lot of discussions about raising our children as our parents did and not complicating the things. And on the other hand, discussions about new methods and activities that are good for the baby. And each of us has an opinion about how is right to do it. About what is the best way to raise your child. We play between extremes. Because we want to show our way is the right way.And because we search so much for the perfect way. I don’t deny the need of the baby to receive love, attention, good food, games, creativity, education. But let’s not forget along with these things about the legacy we give to them. A part of your baby is YOU.
Will grow also the vegetarian children, also the ones are not. Will grow also the children that received breast milk for one month and also the ones received for two years. Will grow the children that played in front of TV and playstation, and also the ones that played in the nature, close to animals and fresh air. Will grow also the ones from rich and educated families and also the ones from poor and simple ones. Will grow and will get to live their happy or less happy lives. And one day will look in the mirror and recognize their parents. Inside them. With goods and bads. What they will discover it’s up to you in this moment.
Some can discover that being perfect in life it’s tiring, others that is difficult to maintain a high standard in everything, some will discover they don’t know to love and some that they don’t know to receive love. Some will discover they need to be the best in all, others that they cannot let themselves to be the best. Some will discover it’s painful to don;t love and keep a wall between the others. Some will discover they need to be serious all the time, and they cannot let themselves to play and enjoy. Some will feel they carry lessons they don’t recognize, they carry lessons of their parents and there is no need for this. There are a lot who discover they don’t live their own life and that parents live in their choices day by day. How many women don’t choose in their partners the father they let home? And how many man don’t choose similar or opposite women as their mothers?
Each of us can discover a lesson that he repeated for many years. A lot of us discover pieces of lessons. For some the lesson is more difficult to carry, for some is easier. Some don’t want to let it go, to give up to the lesson. Because it’s coming from mam and dad. And that lesson was our first act of love.
What he eats, if he will eat the fried potatoes or salads, if he’s vaccinated or not, if he’s raised in a more open-minded family or a more conservatory one, to a private school or not, this is up to each family to decide. We need to learn there are no perfect ways and applicable to everybody. There is nothing bad in reading, studying, trying and applying what you think is best to your child. But without comparisons. Without the need of knowing what you choose for your baby is better than what your colleague is choosing. Without the need of looking superior to the vegetarian mother or the one careful to buy only bio food. And without the need of looking with disgust to the one that is giving cheeseburger to her child. It’s normal to have opinions and believe in them. It’s even better if you have them listening to your intuition. Isn’t it sad how many of us women we don’t know what is intuition anymore? That we replaced the intuition with the doctor, TV, newspapers and others opinions? That we need to justify any of our choices with string arguments because it’s looking not intelligent to choose something without a one page of arguments. To choose something because you feel to choose. It seems we live in an age when it’s wrong to don’t think.
But this blog is about feeling, and I cannot conclude in other way then telling you this: less thinking, more feeling! And trust! In you and your child!