Conversations with myself: When we live in two

large89898I love how unique a couple can be. It’s  really a wonderful creation, the creation of two people, who can be similar or different, but never the same. Two people both having a universe of feelings, emotions and particularities. Doesn’t matter for how long they stay together, for how big or small is their love. Sometimes we have this tendency to judge the couples, to think some are better because they look more inlove  or more stable, some are damned to break up soon or some are too  boring. Really..doesn’t matter! What is matter is what we all live in this moment, no matter is forever or not, no matter is a mistake or not, no matter it can be improved or not. We need to learn to take life as it is and live any experience without closing it in a box with a big NO on top.
This post is for this, for enjoying the uniqueness, the diversity, to enjoy of us, and what we have NOW. Not what we had, we will have or not.
 
So, I asked some of my friends to share a little story about their couple by answering few simple questions. The target is not to analyze how perfect these couples are, but to see how wonderful are in their diversity and unique way. Some couples are more serious, some are more adventurous, some are more passionate and some are more pragmatic. Some are fighting more, some less. Some are more opened while some are discovering the way to open. There are millions and millions of combinations. Each unique, each existing for a reason.
And here is the thing I would like to reflect: what we take from a relationship.
I see a great opportunity to “challenge” my personality with another one and live together in a balance between our individuality remaining separate and the life in 2. A tango between my way of loving and your way of loving, which is never the same. My ego  versus your ego. My need of addiction versus your need of freedom. My femininity versus your masculinity. Or my masculinity versus your femininity.  And the list can go on.
  • The mirror

tumblr_maodccMm291rvnbgvo1_500_largeThink the other one is your mirror. The mirror you reflect every day the things you hate, the things you like, the fears, the lack of trust, the insecurity, the need to be loved, the need to control. You reflect yourself . And the same story for him also.

Everything you don’t like to your partner triggers something in you. Most of the times, are things you don’t like or accept about yourself. It’s up to you to go and see what is exactly. You don’t like when he/ she is making you feel stupid/ not good enough/ not … “something”. If you look better, YOU are the one who thinks this about himself. Not the partner, not the people around. As I said, there is no better therapist than a relation, as long as you are willing to open your eyes.
Try to make some small exercises and check what is annoying to your partner and try to find it inside you, find what screams inside you. Make an exercise of sincerity. It’s possible to find out a lot of things you wanted to hide under the carpet or just to see them from another perspective.
  • Roles

large232342I think it’s very important to take the partner the exact way he is. Not the “better part of me”, the missing part of my life, not “the savior”,  not the “victim”, not the “father”, the “mother”, the “helpless child” and so on. The roles are not us. Treat me as a child and I can remain a child in an adult body. I can disconect with my feminity or masculinity and loose even more the force, courage and power of doing things.

Try to do everything instead of me, help me all the time and I can remain in a victim role who waits everything to come on a silver plate. And I will never think I can.

It’s more than a simple and cute role game. A simple example: I see myself not good enough, not beautiful, not smart. And my partner is all the time telling me what a great and intelligent person I am. Is it making me feel more confident and to love myself more? No. Is just keeping me in a warm place, where I know for sure I am ugly and stupid but thank god there is this wonderful creature in my life that is seeing me different. Here you can make the difference, by not waiting for the other to be the creator of your happines, but yourself.
The roles are very satisfactory and warm places where we feel very good, but it’s missing the most important part…are not us.
  
  • Communication

large54545Everybody is saying the secret of a happy couple is the communication. I think the secret is TO LISTEN. We don’t know to do this. Every time our partner is saying something to us we already have the answer prepared in our minds. We don’t wait, we hurry to answer and to judge. We don’t give up in a fight. If you think logically..who cares who’s right or wrong? What is right or wrong? But we care. We care to be the one who is always right. To be the one who wins. To be the best.

If your partner has something to tell you, let him talk without interrupting and most important without thinking while he’s talking. Shut down your mind a bit and give space to the other one. Even better, if you talk about an important thing, check if you understood well. Sometimes there is a gap between what we want to say and what we actually say.
  • Open

dadasdHow opened we are in our couple life? How much the partner knows of what we really are and how much of what we want to show. Where is more heavier the balance? How many of us women didn’t try to look sexy, innovative, always different, career women, smart, gentle or powerful? And tried to hide the insecurities, the need for more love, the fear of being abandoned, of not being good enough, the fear of loosing independence, the fear of sharing, the selfishness, the need of control and many more. How many times we didn’t hide our bodies? All these are walls and walls. You want to discover more about yourself?..there is no better way to do it than being in a couple. In order to know yourself better, you need to let behind the armor, the image you want to show to the others and yourself. And very important, to let the fear the other will not accept you without that image. I think a lot of couples can agree that when they started to feel relaxed one with eachother without trying to impress (themselves), or hide in a role, they built a true connection. A real one. Not a fake one.

Let besides “what he/ she may think”  or “maybe he/ she will not like/ love/ appreciate me anymore” and just live your life, the way it is. Not perfect. Not the best (compared with others). Not the most interesting. But yours, personal and the best for your.
  • What matters to me

tumblr_ldst9p7zy81qbt3wdo1_500_large

When I was starting a relation I was always trying to see the next steps, to program the future and also to expect the unpredictable future. To know if my partner is for sure what I need for now and the rest of my life. Step by step I understood that for myself there is nothing to think about the future. What matters to me is what I have now with the one I am. What I am building now and not what will be in 10, 20 or 50 years. Maybe it doesn’t sounds very healthy, maybe it’s superficial but it helps me a lot. It helps me to live the moment and enjoy the one I am without programming him to be my next perfect husband or the perfect father of my children. Without putting a big and fictive responsibility on our shoulders. It’s helping me to allow to myself to be the exact way I am and also to accept him the way he is without the pressure of a scheduled future.

When we expect a great future, one of the mistakes we make is to pretend from that future to be “perfect”. To find the perfect man, the soul mate, the best partner and so on. And when we have something that for sure is what we need (otherwise we wouldn’t be in that relation) we compare with our possible perfect future and we don’t like it, or worst, we want to transform it in our perfect happy expected future. It is really difficult to don’t expect the best, to don’t want to be the most special, the greatest, the one. Unfortunately, exactly under this shield is that so long searched happiness.

  • And now…the stories

I thank you all you for sharing a piece of your experiences with me.

Thank you and the list is open to add more!

  • Story #1
tumblr_ly2giqf74k1rne5doo1_500_largeA dear couple for me started with this description from her: If somebody would have asked me to describe my future husband it would have been far from the reality of now. But in conclusion: with goods and bads, what we have now is exactly what we need. What will be in years, only God knows.
When we met?
Both: We met in september 2007. We were colleagues. And we are a couple since february 2010.
Why I love him/ her?
She: Because he has the kindest soul
Him: Because she makes me happy only with her presence.
Why I “hate” him/ her?
She: Because many times he refuse to think for himself and let the things in my care
Him: Because sometimes she doesn’t let me play Ps3 as much as I want
How I define our couple?
She: Friends and sometimes surrogate of mother/ father
Him: A relation based on love, 100 % trust and mutual respect.
What is important for us?
She: To keep what we have
Him: To take care one of each other
What we like to do together?
She: To loose time. We are great in doing this.
Him: To play Ps3
What we like to do separate?
She: To read. He likes to loose time a bit more.
Him: Watch football with the guys. She likes to drink the coffee with her mother.
What we discovered together?
She: A lot of little things, that I find difficult to list them all, but I know they make the big picture
Him: The Doftana Valley, great place 🙂
  • Story #2
tumblr_mf5dcgOj0S1r9hoaho1_500_largeWhen we met?
She: We met at a party, half a year ago. He had an unforgettable line: “I appreciate that at your age you started Photo Shop classes” (he is 2 years younger than me) :)))) And when I heard that I sent him to bed cause it’s too late for him to stay at parties.
Him: We met 6 months a half ago to an Aperol party. I was invited by a common friend and she introduced us one to each other.
Why I love him/ her?
She: Because he’s “ugly” and “crunchy”
HimWords cannot answer this question. I don’t need reasons.IT’S WHAT I FEEL!!!!
Why I “hate” him/ her?
She: Because he’s “ugly” and “crunchy”
Him: She knows why 🙂
How I define our couple?
She: Young, beautiful and with dreams on the way to become true.
Him: The little beauty and the beast
What is important for us?
She: Trust (Still working on this 🙂 )
Him She’s mine…I’m hers…and together we are strong.
What we like to do together?
She: To discover new places, to travel, do sports, cook (or at least try cause none of us knows to cook), to drink wine in the evening
Him: To eat sweets and icecream (kidding)
What we like to do separate?
She: I like to read alone and we like to have our separate girls/ guys evenings
Him: I don’t answer to this.
What we discovered together?
She: That we need time and patience to create a healthy and beautiful relation
Him: A lot of places in Bucharest (kidding again). We learn every day a new thing that we can do together.
She is my cutie and I adore her!
  • Story #3
tumblr_ls5gbtxXFJ1qa1bsdo1_500_largeWhen we met?
She: I met him in the 3rd year of university. I followed him until we introduced to each other. Yuhuuuu! 10 years ago. Feels like forever.
Him: To a university congress, 10 years ago.
Why I love him/ her?
She: I love him because he exists, because he’s on my side no matter what.
Him: She makes me think I can realize anything, she makes me laugh (willing or not willing) and makes me feel on a pedestal.
Why I “hate” him/ her?
She: Sometimes he is really stubborn and don’t do “exactly” like I want. :)))
Him: She lets her clothes everywhere, sometimes she is lazy
How I define our couple?
She: Dynamic, open to new, continuous discovering and change
Him: Happiness
What is important for us?
She: To laugh together and to feel we can count on eachother.
Him: To be there one for each other in goods and bads, to be friends
What we like to do together?
She: The less..cleaning and cooking 🙂
Him: To travel, To laugh, sex, to watch comedy
What we like to do separate?
She: To watch my movies and series with princesses and vampires and fairy tales characters..oh..and now there is one with clones. 🙂
Him: Skydiving, basketball, fencing, sex (kidding)
  • Story #4
large97897When we met?
She: 4 years ago and my heart started to beat very fast when we met. It took a while until we found our way.

Him: At work
Why I love him/ her?
She: Besides the chemistry that makes me vibrate and makes me feel I am home with him…I love him because close to him I found the way to discover myself.
Him: Love is not exactly something you can understand or
define. Sometimes there is no logic, you just feel it. I love her because I feel she is part of my life. She is my life, my family, my half. And I felt this also in the hard moments we had and also when I hate her 🙂
Why I “hate” him/ her?
She: That sometimes he does things I don’t agree with 😀
Him: The fact that she is always letting the things unfinished. She can start something with the maximum enthusiasm but in the last 100 m she can abandon that thing. She should also be a bit more sure about herself, her potential
How I define our couple?
She: Playful, searching, cute, happy
Him: Funny, explorer, sometimes lazy, lovers
What is important for us?
She: To know who we are, to enjoy life, communication.
Him: Family, communication, sincerity
What we like to do together?
She: Everything. I like a lot to talk. Him not so much. There is nothing I keep to do in particular separate. Any activity can be enjoyable with him included.
Him: Travel, eat, cuddling, walk in the nature
What we like to do separate?
She: Cleaning (drives me crazy if he’s cleaning the same room as myself) :)))))
Him: Socialize, walk in the supermarket having time to look over the corridors each single product and his relative offer (where applicable)
What we discovered together?
She: A lot of things about ourselves that would have been more difficult to do it separate. To be happy, relaxed and take the things as they are without searching big scopes and big achievements. The most important achievement is us being happy one with eachother and discovering life day by day.
Him: Ourselves
  • Story #5
largefsdfdxfdsfWhen we met?
She: We met in the summer of 2006, it was  love at first sight. So if some people don’t believe in this or thinks it’s exaggerate I feel to contradict them. 🙂 Folks, there IS, but there are also exceptions to this.
Why I love him/ her?
She: Because he is everything that I’m not, we complete one each other. Romantic, responsible, objective, honest, devoted and persevering.
Why I “hate” him/ her?
She: The choleric personality that my husband is having – of course, character defects- is making me crazy…so dominant sometimes, annoyingly stubborn most of the times. It’s hard to live with him because he thinks he’s always right and rarely accepts to make small compromises that can take from his authority image. His subconsciously tells him all the time that his actions are defining the perfection, his subconsciously tells him this all the time. 🙂
How I define our couple?
She: A happy, harmonious, crazy couple.
What is important for us?
She: For me- HIM. For him – ME. For us – FAMILY (1st place)
What we like to do together?
She: To travel. And besides, everything that defines a couple life, from eating, dancing, fighting and so on.
What we like to do separate?
She: Cooking
What we discovered together?
She: “One of the most sublimes actions a person can realize is love” as Cristina Turcanu says in his book “The art of living”
We learned together to love without asking anything in return, to give ourself completely and forget about us, to don’t be selfish. Love is a state, it cannot be defined, cannot be expressed through words, it’s a feeling..how few of us have the luck to discover it and take care of it.
That’s all folks!
  • Story #6

largeWhen we met?

She: 4 years ago but feels like forever passed since then.
Why I love him/ her?
She: Because I love myself 🙂
Why I “hate” him/ her?
She: Nothing I can think now to.
How I define our couple?
She: Free, playful and explorer
What is important for us?
She: Our relation, communication between us, and not at last the joy.
What we like to do together?
She: To travel as much as possible in the nature, the wildest the better. And besides this..mostly everything 🙂
What we like to do separate?
She: Almost nothing.
What we discovered together?
She: The meaning of life 🙂
  • Story #7
tumblr_ltac11Ad411r29t5yo1_500_largeWhen we met?
Her: Long time ago, every time we try to figure out how much time ago. As a very good friend of mine was saying that I was liking him long time ago but I was not aware of this. We were school colleagues, he came new to the school, moved by the parents from another school, after he was skipping classes a lot in the 7th grade to run to the billiard (mention: in our times it seams you were very punished by the parents if you were skipping classes). Until we became lovers it passed also some university years.
Him: In 1997 when I have been transferred to another school. We were colleagues in 8th grade and high school. I was the new guy, the fresh one. Even if we met that time, we needed some years to get close to eachother.
Why I love him/ her?
Her: I don’t know how, but every time we see again I still feel butterflies in my stomach. These “sailor” leavings of him have their charm. I think I love him because I know that any time I will be able to count on him.
Him: Because she completes me and in the same time she constantly challenges me. Are very few days when we don’t have different points of view.  This gives me reasons to move forward but also keeps me all the time connected. I can say we don’t have a routine, in the classic way.
Why I “hate” him/ her?
Her: Because every time he is praising with his manly jobs that he will do at one point and that I don’t need to remind him this thing every 6 months

Him: For the same reasons I hate her!

How I define our couple?
Her: Me- choleric, him – balanced (really?), better said: 2 lions trying to win the first price on the podium, no matter what is the place
Him: Immature, extreme. As a metaphor, we are like a violin and a drum. We need a lot of other instruments to make a symphonic music band. We will never be able to make an ordinary song.
What is important for us?
Her: The most important is our little boy and soon, his little brother or sister
Him: In this moment for us: the baby, the house. Separate, are a lot of other things.
What we like to do together?
Her: It seams to arrange the house, we discovered a big passion in choosing furniture and accessorize the apartment and it seams we fall inlove with the drill and picture frames. I don’t know what we will do when we’ll finish the apartment, probably we will move 🙂
Him: Socializing, decisions, sex (I hope :))) )
What we like to do separate?
Her: My gossip girls group rules! Perfect to disconnect
Him: I like to go to shaorma, billiards, boy night outs, work. Honestly, I don;t think there are many activities we don’t do as a couple.
What we discovered together?
Her: That we can have the most wonderful little boy and that despite you become the sailor traveling man, home is the real life.
Him: I think patience first of all. More serious now: I think we discovered we can grow old together.
  • Story #8
tumblr_l9pe2aM3pJ1qa48t8o1_500_largeWhen we met?
She: Almost 9 years ago.
Why I love him/ her?
She: Because he loves me the way I am, because he trusts me, because he sees me beautiful when I see myself simple, because he wakes up in the night to cuddle me, because in the morning first he kisses me and then washes his teeth and the list can go on and on…
Why I “hate” him/ her?
She: Because he sees me in such a beautiful way that I could never see myself
How I define our couple?
She: Like the two faces of a coin
What is important for us?
She: To have strength to go further no matter what..always together..even if it sounds too cliche.
What we like to do together?
She: A lot of things, to stay in the hammock, to laugh until the morning, to discover a new recipe, to discover a new market, new spices, new tastes, new sensations…
What we like to do separate?
She: He likes sports, I love to cook.
What we discovered together?
She: That you can really have someone close to you with who to talk, in who you can trust, with who to build, with who to laugh, with who to love yourself and to love all the world around you.
  • Story #9
4_large
When we met?

She: We met in the 2nd year of university. He was room colleague with a university colleague of mine and those black eyes easily came out, no mentioning the sense of humor.
Him: Prom of the university of commerce, in 2005, autumn. I was with Mogos (the room colleague)
Why I love him/ her?
She: For everything I am now, we grew together, together we defined our self, big part of what I am now I am because of him. We passed together through the exam stress, then the interviews for first job, finding an apartment to rent (not just one time, but 4 times until now), our ambitions at work, we stayed far one from each other (2 years living in different countries and those were the moments when I realized how much I love him and what a big emptiness  I feel without him. I love him because he makes me smile, to forget of anything when we are together, for how he is trying to avoid the problems, because he is lightning his face when he gets home and sees me, for  how deep and tender he holds me in his arms, for the way I get calm when I am under his wing, for how he improvise, for the care he has for the dear ones, for his lifestyle, for being active, for the many hobbies we have together, for loving nature, for being smart and being my little encyclopedia and gps, for being everything  he is. I am proud of him.
Him: She has a very beautiful soul
Why I “hate” him/ her?
She: Because he gets upset when I am not at his level of expectations and when I am not handling myself the things. Because sometimes we fight for nothings, because he doesn’t wash the dishes and cook as often as I would like. And he doesn’t like the old people and children  as much as I like and sometimes he’s annoying me when I have a sensibility for them. Because sometimes he is  more harsh with the others than I would be..and that’s it in big lines.
Him: She is a bit with the head in the sky
How I define our couple?
She: Free, joyful, active, playful, not predictable, love nature, sporty
Him: We are the ideal couple when we are on the same track
What is important for us?
She: To have one each other, to don;t change our lifestyle, to try to have time for our hobbies, to make our life easier, to take care of healthiness and our families.
Him: The health and peace
What we like to do together?
She: Almost Everything. To explore, to lose ourself on little streets or in the mountains. To reach our limits, to make outdoor sports, to go camping, to travel, to drink something together, to tease each other, to cook, to take decisions, to dream our life, to spend time with friends, to discover nice places and people, to enjoy little things, to make something with our own hands, to think to business ideas, to listen music/ concerts and lately to go to tango classes
Him: Sport, travel, hangout, cooking
What we like to do separate?
She: To go to handmade fairs, to make deco stuff, shopping. He likes to go with his bike in a rough way, repair things to the bike, play games on the laptop
Him: It’s hard to stay separate
What we discovered together?
She: That we are on the same part of the game and not in competition, that we are different and we cannot think the same all the time, that if we don’t take care of our health and we don’t stay active we will get “old”. I discovered that feeling of happiness when you have with who to share, when you consult with somebody before taking a decision, i discovered we came happy home when we know the other one is there, that we like things done by us, that we cannot stay one without each other, the love for biking and kite boarding
Him: Everything from university until now.
  • The end…
At last, I let you with one of my favorite movies when comes to love.
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One thought on “Conversations with myself: When we live in two

  1. Pingback: Conversations with myself: The naked truth | melangemix

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